She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
