I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
