Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
