the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
