I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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