Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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