I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize
