look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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