I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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