White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
They took my balls.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
