I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
