So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
