The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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