Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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