Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
