I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
