Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
