I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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