Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
It's just like the Real World with babies
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
