How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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