Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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