I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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