ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
