The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.
I mean not really
Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
