It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
