Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
