She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
