Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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