Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
