i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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