We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
