I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
