did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I didn't notice because vodka
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
