thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
