I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
