where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I will die if light touches me.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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