Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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