your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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