I can feel you judging me through the phone.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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