eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
