pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
