Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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