Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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