Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
