I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
