I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
