apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
