Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
