i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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