the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
