For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
