Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
