What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
