I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my shit smells like andre
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
