i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
