dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
