Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
